10 Feet Off The Ground

So I can pretty much sum up the last week in a few quick sentences.

1. Cameron and I got in a fight and stopped talking, I've tried to make up with him repeatedly and he just won't have it.
2. James got really sick and barely talked to me all week, we're mid-fight as I type.
3. Macy blew me off again, SHOCKER.

I just don't get people anymore. Why would you lead someone on if you don't like them? Like, James runs hot and cold anymore. Two weeks ago we pulled an all nighter on the phone and were flirting all the time. Now he'll barely talk to me and when he does it's short and cold. We've been doing this forever it seems, and I just want it to go either way. I mean, no more of this back and forth maybe stuff anymore. I want everything, or nothing. I can handle those. I can't handle the in the middle stuff. This is how people get hurt. But, I'm also afraid to tell him that it has to be one or the other, because I'm afraid of hearing him say "Then it's going to be nothing". I say that I want it to go one way, but if that way is towards nothing, I still don't want to lose him.

I did something thinking, and as much as I like Cameron, I'm still completely hung up on James. I wrote out a letter this morning saying everything I want to say to James, I never will of course, but in the perfect world I could.

James-

I really think we need to take a step back and look at how things have become between us. I know we're both still young, really young, but I do think that I really loved you. I wish you would give us another shot, I think we could make it work. I'm willing to do anything for you, absolutely anything. I still love you, I think about how much I just want you back every second of every day. I don't think I can picture my life without you. Through everything I've just wanted you to be happy, even if it's not with me. As much as I care, I'm willing to drop it if it comes in the way of your happiness. I've been there through everything with you. I even stayed up until 2 in the morning comforting you over that girl you liked. You never told me she was the problem, but we both know that she was. And even through that I stayed with you and tried to make you feel better because I care about your happiness than I care about my own. I guess, if you don't take me back, there's nothing I can do but to try and move on. I hope you realize one day that I'm the one person who cared about you through the good and the bad. I've always been there for you, and I aways will be. No matter what, you'll always have a place in my heart and no matter how long it is from now, I'll always be here to listen. Whenever you're ready, I'm ready. Let's just hope it's not too late.

I love you James.
Always have, always will.

Callie.





Welp, I'm crying now. I'd better go.