Tunnel Vision

Like I mentioned before, the last year and a half have been pretty crappy. Nothing that bad really happened I guess...but it's just that I don't really know how to deal with them. It feels like no one really cares about me anymore. I'm never first for anyone, ya know? It's like I'm not their best friend, I'm their second best friend. I guess I sort of had a break down last night when my Macey called me and asked if I could get together today, and then text messaged me 5 minutes later saying that she had to do something in the morning and wanted to get together later. That's fine with me, but tomorrow I have school and my mom won't let me stay out until 9. So once again, I'm left in the dust. I mean, it's kinda hard when your best friend can barely make time for you (Macey), you're mom it too concerned with her wedding to think about whether or not you're happy, and the person that once meant everything to you now thinks nothing of you (James). I don't have anyone I can cry to anymore, no one that will tell me I'm not crazy and will just be there to support me. If life was a giant Myspace top friends, I wouldn't be first on anyones.

Okay, now that I'm done doing whatever that was...I guess I'll pick up with last weekend.

In the beginning of the school year a friend, Tori, and I were talking just about how things have been going. I mentioned that my dad recently moved into a new neighborhood and it sucks because I don't know anyone there. She asked me the name of it, and when I told her she mentioned that she knew a kid, Cameron, that lived there. Tori said that they had dated for a sort time before whatever happened and they broke up. I found Cameron on Myspace that same day, and gosh he was gorgeous. Shaggy blond hair, pretty blue eye, tall (even though it isn't hard to be taller than me since I'm so short) and he wasn't hugely built, but he had lean muscle. We started talking on Myspace, and then moved on to AOL Instant Messenger and then later we started to text message. He wasn't incredibly nice, but he was nice enough. The first time we talked it was all about hooking up. I guess he wanted someone to hook up with and I wanted to make James jealous. Well, James never found out about him but Tori did and she got jealous. Once she started to show some disapproval with the whole thing, I stopped talking to Cameron. And with that we kind of ended on a bad note.

Fast forward to Thursday the 7th. Cameron out of the blue instant messages me with a compliment and we started chatting again. This time it was different and better and nicer and perfect. He called me beautiful and made good conversation and said cute things. We continued to text message 24 hours a day for the next few days. Thankfully I was with my dad that weekend, meaning we could met each other in person for the first time. We were supposed to get together Saturday but he had to cancel to go meet his recruiting officer (Cameron is 17 and joining the marines when he turns 18). So I was pretty bummed when he told me he couldn't hang out. I woke up Sunday morning pretty early, around 8:30 and couldn't sleep anymore. Cameron happens to work at the local Dunkin Donuts and I told him I would stop by during his break.

So I walked, in arctic winds I might add, down to the Dunkin Donuts just in time to get a hot chocolate and sit down with Cameron for his break. Keep in mind, I don't take make up to my dads so I was the makeup less wonder that morning. We sat there and talked for a half hour before he had to leave, and he told me he would call me as soon as he got off from work. So, 3 o'clock rolls around and Cameron text messages me to tell me that he's grabbing a quick shower and to meet him at the Wawa at 3:30. I made up a quick excuse about wanting to grab something from Wawa before I left to go home and said Bye to my dad.

I got to Wawa before Cameron and must have spent 5 minutes staring at the same Vitamin Water. I finally got a text from him telling me he was in the store and I went to find him. We decided to go for a walk, since both of our houses were off limits. We went down to the baseball field to sit and talk. It was nice just walking with him and even better just being with him. He sat down on the bench one the field while I decide to take a scene out the Notebook and pretended I was a bird.

We ended up sitting on a bench in the freezing cold, and he put his arm around me. Then he kissed me. And it was sweet and perfect and everything that I've always wanted. Then, my dad called me and it was time to leave.
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I stopped writing there, and then picked up again here. See how things change?

We kept in touch, but things got rocky. He kept asking me to send him nude pictures, and there is not way in hell that I was doing that. I've known too many people who had that back fire on them and wasn't about to do it myself. He continued to ask me and I finally went off on him about how I wasn't just a piece of ass, and that I actually liked him.

He met my dad this weekend. I invited him over to my dads house to hang out and all that stuff. My dad literally watched us like a hawk, he never left the room once. Cameron text messaged me from the other side of the room "Walk? Wawa?" So I asked my dad for money and went to "walk to Wawa". We actually ended up going into a patch of woods. So we hiked up this little mountain thing (I totally didn't sign up for this) and found a semi-dry long thing to sit on. We started making out, but honestly, nothing more. Then, he asked me to go below the belt. I said no. He asked again. Another no. Then he decides to ask for a blow job? Does this kid not know what the word no means?

Thank god my dad called wondering where we were and I practically ran back to the house, said goodbye and shook it off.

Here's my though process:
1. I've never actually given a guy a blow job...10th grade, HELLO!
2. I'm not giving a guy I barely know a blow job
3. I'm not doing in some dirty Philadelphia neighborhood "woodland"
4. I'd rather not waste my first BJ. Sorry.


Any way, Cameron told me he would text me later, which he did. Before he went to bed he told me he would text me tomorrow in the morning. He never actually text messaged today, I had to start the conversation.

Me: Way to text me all day!
Cam: I was waiting to see if you would text me first.
Me: Mhmm, sure.
Cam: I was!
Me: Sureeee.

Then a half hour or so goes by and I haven't heard from him. So at this point I'm feeling kind of hurt and used. It just seems like he can't take no for an answer and all he wants are things I'm really not ready to do at this point. Continuing...

Me: So what, I wouldn't go down on you and now you're not talking to me?
Cam: No
(Great answer by the way, really defending yourself)
Me: Ha, that's not complete bull.
Cam: No I just don't talk to you for a day and you decide I'm an asshole.

I haven't said anything back yet, and that was like three hours ago. I know I did attack him, but I don't let people treat me like crap and if they're gonna do something that upsets me I'm gonna tell them.

So, I went from butt crazy over Cameron back to completely confused again. I even text messaged my ex a couple minutes ago "God James, I miss you... sometimes I wish we could just go back"

And here I thought I was over him....


GOSH.