And I know that I should let go, but I can't

Sooo, it's 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm still up. It's spring break and I haven't done anything. I not going on vacation and no one is home. Boo.

God, I complain sooo much.

So I guess I should explain who Tommy is from the last post. He's been a friend of mine since 7th grade, and he was always just that, a friend. Until James died we'd kind of grown apart but once he died Tommy sorta turned to me for support. And then I sorta started to like him as more than a friend.

Macy was less than shocked, she said that she knew I always had a little crush on him. I want to tell him how I feel, but I also don't want to ruin a friendship. I just don't know if he would ever feel the same way about me. I don't know what to do.

There is nothing on TV and I'm so bored. But I'm afraid to leave my bedroom because I'm afraid of creepy men being in the house even though there are none and the alarm is set. I'm just paranoid about that kind of stuff.

Nothing good has happened at all recently, not gonna lie. I talked to Cameron again, just as friends. Then I asked him for advice about Tommy, so I guess that means things with us are done for good. I'm sad, but at the same time not. He was only in it to get his dick sucked, which I'm not up for at this point. I guess he was just a sweet talker, and I liked that. I fell for his tricks and even though I don't want to admit it, I fell for him too. Not in love, but I but my shield down.

I don't really trust people that easily. I think I have every right to though. Since my mom has been single for the past 11 years I watched her bounce from guy to guy as they lied to her, cheated on her and disrespected her. There was one guy named Jim that she kept going back to even though he cheated on her all the time. She was so in love with him, she was willing to marry him but he was a complete dog. I remember one night when I was younger she woke me up in the middle of the night to drive over to his house because she knew he had another woman there.

Should children really have to go through that with their parents? It's no wonder that I don't trust people very easily. And I'm so insecure. Every relationship I've ever seen has failed. There's no one out there that is telling me that two people who were in love at one point can stay in love. I don't even mean stupid 10th grade relationships when people break up, I'm talking about the real thing.

My friends tell me how they picture their lives. Three kids, a great job, a wonderful husband and the house to go along with it. The normal. But when I try to look into the future I see myself as a single mother of one living in a tiny apartment just trying to get by. I guess that's because it's the only life that I've ever known. That's the normal to me.

I don't know. I'm really so upset these days. It seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But no, I'm not ready to give up. This will end and I'll be out of the house and able to make my own choices. Three more years.