Hi....

So, I know I haven't updated in a while, but nothings really been going on. Prom was a couple weekends ago, but that wasn't really news worthy. It was just kind of, awkward. Just real quick, JUNO CAME OUT ON DVD YESTERDAY. I love that movie so much. I love her sense of humor more than anything. <3 sarcasm.

James and I haven't talked to each other in a couple weeks. I don't count the fact that the day of prom he text messaged me and told me that he misses me. He had his chance, 605 days of chances in fact (I know, I'm a creeper). I don't know. I guess he's just the "first love" type of thing. Hopefully it'll get easier as time goes on. Who knows.

My mom has been more annoying than ever. For awhile things weren't as bad, but now we're back to only caring about Hal. I have feelings too Mom, get it through that thick skull of yours. I don't want to eat that disgusting stuff he calls food and I'm sick of the fact that you two can't be away from each other for more than 5 minutes without having a complete mental break down. I wish I could tell her, but I can't. She's never been this happy before and I would feel super selfish to make her put that on hold.

Maybe this summer when I go to Michigan I'll be like the long lost child the family never had and they'll adopt me and save me from the misery that is living with my mom and Hal.

On the boy front, I've changed my mind yet again. His name is Tyler and he goes to a different school. He's nice. That's it. I haven't talked to an honest "nice" guy in a long time. So far, it seems like he might be interested, but he could just be friendly. And another thing, I never have to contact him first. I like that because then it feels like you want to be talking to me. With James, I always had to start a conversation, and keep it going. We talk about music and movies. It's really pretty cute. He'll recommend a movie and I'll try to watch it and then we discuss it, and vis versa.

I don't feel as hopeless anymore. As much as I loved James, now that I don't talk to him as much it feels like a weight has been lifted. No more worrying about how he feels about something.

It feels good.

This is the time to let us break out

Ok, this is gonna be a shorter one.

First point:
I spent my entire weekend talking to an guy friend of mine, Kyle. I had a crush on him and apparently he did too but James got in the way. So Sunday I decided to tell him I have feelings for him and now things are really awkward between us. I mean, I would love for something to happen between us because we've had feelings before. But, most likely it won't. Last year we used to hold hands in class just being goofy, but it literally sent shivers down my spine. Every time he touched me it did. Whatever, if it happens then great if not great too.

Second point:
"James-
I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I wanted to let you know that I don't hate you and I never have. But, we both know we'll never be able to feel the same way about each other that we did before. As much as we said we'd be friends after [we broke up] I don't think it's the best thing to do. It makes things to complicated. So, I'm sorry for everything"


That's all I have to say to him anymore. For real this time.

And I know that I should let go, but I can't

Sooo, it's 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm still up. It's spring break and I haven't done anything. I not going on vacation and no one is home. Boo.

God, I complain sooo much.

So I guess I should explain who Tommy is from the last post. He's been a friend of mine since 7th grade, and he was always just that, a friend. Until James died we'd kind of grown apart but once he died Tommy sorta turned to me for support. And then I sorta started to like him as more than a friend.

Macy was less than shocked, she said that she knew I always had a little crush on him. I want to tell him how I feel, but I also don't want to ruin a friendship. I just don't know if he would ever feel the same way about me. I don't know what to do.

There is nothing on TV and I'm so bored. But I'm afraid to leave my bedroom because I'm afraid of creepy men being in the house even though there are none and the alarm is set. I'm just paranoid about that kind of stuff.

Nothing good has happened at all recently, not gonna lie. I talked to Cameron again, just as friends. Then I asked him for advice about Tommy, so I guess that means things with us are done for good. I'm sad, but at the same time not. He was only in it to get his dick sucked, which I'm not up for at this point. I guess he was just a sweet talker, and I liked that. I fell for his tricks and even though I don't want to admit it, I fell for him too. Not in love, but I but my shield down.

I don't really trust people that easily. I think I have every right to though. Since my mom has been single for the past 11 years I watched her bounce from guy to guy as they lied to her, cheated on her and disrespected her. There was one guy named Jim that she kept going back to even though he cheated on her all the time. She was so in love with him, she was willing to marry him but he was a complete dog. I remember one night when I was younger she woke me up in the middle of the night to drive over to his house because she knew he had another woman there.

Should children really have to go through that with their parents? It's no wonder that I don't trust people very easily. And I'm so insecure. Every relationship I've ever seen has failed. There's no one out there that is telling me that two people who were in love at one point can stay in love. I don't even mean stupid 10th grade relationships when people break up, I'm talking about the real thing.

My friends tell me how they picture their lives. Three kids, a great job, a wonderful husband and the house to go along with it. The normal. But when I try to look into the future I see myself as a single mother of one living in a tiny apartment just trying to get by. I guess that's because it's the only life that I've ever known. That's the normal to me.

I don't know. I'm really so upset these days. It seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But no, I'm not ready to give up. This will end and I'll be out of the house and able to make my own choices. Three more years.

Wants and what not

I don't want to go to prom.
I don't want to see James in the hallway everyday.
I don't want to care about him anymore.
I don't want to even think about him liking my best friend.
I don't want my mom to get married to Hal.
I don't want another person to ask me if I'm excited for the wedding or not.
I don't want to spend all day with the two of them.
I don't want my mom to change her last name.
I don't want to move.
I don't want to go to school anymore.
I don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house.
I don't want to feel like this any more.
I don't want to feel worthless and insecure.

I want to move in with my dad.
I want Tommy to see me as more than a friend.
I want to date him, and kiss him.
I want Cameron to still be there when I need him.
I want James to be alive again.
I want everyone to not be so sad.
I want to be happy again.
I want too much.

Too soon

So this weekend was pretty hard. A boy from my school died Friday morning in a skiing accident. We weren't great friends, but I knew him well enough for it to hit home and let it get to me. His name happens to be James like my ex boyfriend and it just made me so scared.

Friday was a half day at my school and when I got home I slept for a few hours and then woke up when my cousin called me. I was on Facebook while I was talking to him and about an hour into our conversation someones status said "So-and-so is RIP James". I got sooo worried that it was my James and I started sweating and was practically near tears on the phone with my cousin. I told him to hang on because I needed to text my-James to see if he was okay. I just said "I know we aren't talking, but some people were saying RIP James...I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

About 10 minutes later I still had no response from him and I was completely freaking out. I finally messaged a friend of mine via Facebook and asked which James had died. He told me it was a different James and instead of feeling any better I completely lost it.

Last year, the James that died, was in every single one of my classes. We were in-school friends and I often helped him by giving him the answers to certain things (yes, I helped him cheat). He was such a charming kid. He was one of those people who could make you feel like you were his best friend just by having a 5 minute conversation with him. He was also one of the most good looking people I have ever seen. His big blue eyes could melt your heart in a second and his smile could light up a room.

I feel so bad for his family and friends, I could never imagine going through something like that. I really wish I had gotten to know him better. He was an amazing person. Like I mentioned before, he died skiing. At least he died doing something he loved. The school, churches, youth groups, and summer camps he attended will never be the same. The community as a whole will never be the same.

He had a great talent in acting. He was in every school play and at the local community theater. I most likely will not attend his funeral because I would just be taking the spot of someone who knew him more and cared for him more. I think it should be the people closet to him. I just thought I would pay my respects for him here. I know he would be proud either way.

It will be so weird going to school everyday and not seeing him a few lockers down from me. It will be hard to watch the school plays and not see him up on stage. It will be weird to go to my high school reunion and not have him there to relive old times.

I'll never forget the short amount of time that I knew him and got to spend with him. He helped me so much last year with my break up by just making me laugh on a daily basis.

RIP James, you'll never be gone because you will be in our hearts forever.
We'll never forget you or your smile.

Highschool Politics

So, I decided to take a break from my boy problems to talk about something that a few more people might actually care about and that is the ongoing primaries. I personally am a Hil-dog (Hilary Clinton) supporting. And the Hil-dog is a South Park reference. Yay South Park! I agree with what she stands for and love that she's taking a risk. She is the first serious female candidate for president and I think she's overall a good person to have in office. It's time for a change in the way America thinks about things and who better than a woman to change that. I don't care what women-fearing men say about a woman in office, I think she's mature and smart enough to run the country and do better for us.

I am, however, not such a fan of Barrack Obama. I think he is way too inexperienced to be the president at this time. Maybe one day but not right now. He is an amazing speaker and someone who as an incredible way with words, but he hasn't had the time in office to make the change he claims he will bring for the country. Hil-dog does. He also seems to have a cult following, what with people in the audience crying as soon as walks out. Tell me, what has he actually done is his time of office that tells us he will actually bring change to the country?

Bottom line, when it comes down to Election Day the two names I would love to see on the ballot are Hil-dog and John McCain. And if Obama's name happens to be the ballot next to McCain's I hope for the sake of the country that McCain is elected into office. Well, now that that's done and over with.

This weekend is going to, by definition, blow. Here's what it looks like

Friday- Half day at school, but no one to hang out with as of right now (Thursday night). After that, I have dinner with my dad's side of the family for my grandmother birthday! Woohoo! I hate being the only kid in the immediate family. If their were some cousins or something (Other than Dave in Michigan, love him but he's not blood) it might be a little more fun since I would have someone closer to my age to actually hang out with.

Saturday- Hal's son and daughter are coming down for "family time" so I have to stay home Saturday night as well to hang out with them. And we're spending most of the day shopping for the daughters dress for the wedding. The only thing I'm looking forward to is getting shoes for prom, which is April 5th by the way! YAY!

Sunday- Who actually does things on Sunday? I usually spend this day resting and then getting ready for the school week.

I don't know, I guess it hasn't been such an exciting week.

Hopefully next week will be better. =/

Get so pigs blood and call me Carrie

So yeah, James and I got in what I would call the fight. It went a little something like this:

Me: SO glad you completely hate me
James: Calm down, I don't.
Me: Whatever.
James: Ok.
Me: How about you tell me how you feel, huh?
-Nothing-
Me: Whatever. I'm done.
James: Ok Callie
Me: It's obvious you don't care, so I might as well.
James: You except to much from me.
Me: Fine.
James: Wow, ok Callie, whatever, that's cool.
Me: What?
James: You just act so not mature all the time.
Me: Because I said fine?

He didn't say anything back. I know I was being a little immature and I really don't care. But I'm determined not to think about him, text him or even mention him here and anywhere else. Except for this entry of course. I've been holding on for too long and I just think that it's finally time to let go. If something happens, we'll take it from there. But believe me, nothing will happen.

On a happier note, a boy on my bus (Mark) asked me too his junior prom the other day. I'm beyond excited. Not only have I always kinda had a crush on him, but I get to go to prom?! Awesome. I already have a dress that I bought when it was on sale. It's from Davids Bridal and it has spaghetti straps and a gold top and then the bottom is a bubble skirt with gold glitter in patterns. It's adorable. And he's being so cute about it two.

It was over text and usually bothers me when guys do stuff like that, but it's really ok with me =]

(1) Idk if your serious or not but i would like to ask you to be my date for my junior prom
(2) Ok, that's fine i don't care though all that i've told was (another kid on the bus) because i've been planning on asking you for a while and i was just nervous.

Ahhhhh, I'm so happy. Hopefully he doesn't turn out like Cameron or James.

But on a girl friend note, there are two girls on my bus (gosh, I just love everyone on that thing) and they're a year younger but they're quickly becoming my new best friends. Everyday this week we've gotten off the bus and hung out as long as we were able to. It's great, I've needed some new people to talk too since the drama in my group.

Even though I still love Macy.

Well, homework time. Boo.